How to handle the breakup.

Most breakups are usually difficult, and many of them are just devastating. For some people, a break up can lead to significant and lasting mental health problems, including depression, low levels of self-confidence and trust, as well as an impoverished view of what a relationship is. Surveys of individuals who have experienced a breakup have identified a number of strategies and activities that can help you overcome it, that range from just giving it time to having a therapist. The figure below shows how frequently people use different strategies.

Five things to remember when breaking up.

#1: Breakup is common. Remember that breakup is common and that most people will have had a number of breakups during their lifetime. This important fact is a reminder that breakup is normal. Even though there may have been things that you may decide to do differently in your next relationship, it is important to keep in mind that breakups are a normal part of life. People would like to think that they can avoid it. However, that may not be the case. Spending time together is how you learn about yourself, learn about the person you are with, and learn about the kind of relationship you would like to have. It is only after spending time with someone else you can make an informed decision about whether or not you’d like to stay with that person.

#2: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Most people have a tendency to criticize themselves when things go wrong. It’s easy to look back and think that you could have done something differently or could have seen signs earlier. It is easy to find something in yourself that you can criticize, especially if you have a tendency to criticize yourself. But it’s not that straightforward. Who you are and what you do is, very often, influenced by the person you are with. With somebody else, you may be quite different.

Research has shown high levels of criticism can lead to depression and undermine your sense of self-worth. Own your part but don’t be overly unfair. Too much criticism directed towards yourself may prevent you from moving on and keep you from valuing the important parts of who you are.

#3: Be respectful – to others and yourself. When a relationship ends, some people get desperate and do whatever they can to restore the relationship that they lost. In many ways, that’s the most natural response anyone could have — try to fix what’s broken, try to keep what you lost. Other people express their frustration and unleash their anger. It’s important to be respectful to yourself and to others.

That means giving people space and being fair about what’s happened. Giving people space means seeing how you feel (e.g., I miss you) and seeing what you’d like (e.g., Would like to try things again) and then waiting to see what the other person would like to do. That’s hard. You have to trust that what you had in the relationship is worth a second try and what you bring to the relationship is worth it.

#4: Learn what you can from it. Everyone has a chance to learn from a breakup. Early relationships, especially during our teenage years, are opportunities to learn how to be with people and what you would like in a relationship. It’s OK to make mistakes. It’s better if you can learn from them.

There is so much to learn, everything from how to talk to people, express your needs and expectations, know what’s important to you in a partner and even what other people like from you. Check out our article on reasons why people say they have left relationships and why they’ve chosen to stay. Take the questionnaire get a sense of what’s important to you.

#5: Deal with your loss. Dealing with the loss of a relationship will take time; it can be difficult. There are a number of things that you can do to make dealing with the loss, grieving your loss a little bit easier.

5.1 Say how you feel. Saying how you feel is one of the most important parts of grieving the loss. It doesn’t change what’s happened. But it does let you put all of those painful feelings that you were walking around with into words and get them out of the back of your head. Neuroscience research has shown a direct link between seeing how you feel in the part of your brain that regulates your emotions. Saying how you feel Is a direct and basic benefit. Dealing with the loss of a relationship is hard enough. Walking around with all of those feelings in the back of your head can be a very lonely experience. Saying how you feel — even just writing it all down on paper — can make you feel better. Click here to read more about the importance and the benefit of seeing how you feel.

5.2 Spend time with others. Spending time with others is also an important part of dealing with loss. Whether it’s a member of your family, a close friend, a counsellor or therapist, or even just someone you met recently, spending time with people can give you a break from your sadness, and remind you of the things that are important to you. Spending time with others doesn’t mean you need to talk about your loss if you don’t want to. There are lots of different types of friendships and they’re all important. In terms of grieving your loss, it’s the people who will remind you of what is good about you are on your side who will get you through this.

5.3 Don’t idealize your ex. Whenever we experience a loss or a significant transition in life, we have a tendency to idealize what we used to have. It’s easy to look back and pick out everything that you liked and valued about that person. If you only focus on the good things, it will be hard to move on. After all, if that person was only ever those good qualities, you would have likely never ended it. But that’s usually only half story. Ordinarily, relationships end because of difficulties, hardship, or conflicts about what people expect or need. It’s important to remember everything about that relationship the good things that you miss, that you would like to have again, as well as the things that were painful.